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The Highly Official MMA P4P Rankings

Almost everyone in the MMA community has a rankings list. Every journalist, blogger, YouTube shooter, and person with an opinion has a list of who they believe is the best fighters in each division. The great thing about these rankings is that fighters can drop without losing a fight and fighters can move up without even fighting. Clearly the way people determine the top ten fighters in each weight class is highly scientific and not flawed in the least.

Even though I have it written into my contract that I never have to participate in rankings discussion, I’m going to invoke clause “CL1” that states, “Mr. Lambert can dedicate an entire column to rankings as long as the readers know that these rankings are the only official rankings in the MMA community and should be the only rankings that fans should discuss and take serious.”

These aren’t your father’s MMA rankings though where I’m just going to put a bunch of names in a certain order and then not be able to defend why I have them ranked there when called out on it. Instead, I’m not only going to tell you why I have people ranked where they are, but I’m also going to give you the criteria I used to come up with these rankings.

Here’s the criteria used for this set of rankings – personal opinion.

Without further ado, here are the highly official MMA Pound-for-Pound rankings.

500. The MMA Underground – INTERNAL SERVER ERROR

499. Arianny Celeste – I’m sorry, this is MMA Pound-for-Pound rankings, not the “Billboard Top Albums” chart.

498 (Tie) Kurt Angle / Batista – Don’t worry guys, they’re going to fight one of these days.

497. Cecil Peoples – Maybe he’s not the worst judge in MMA but he’s the most well known. Think of Cecil as representing the entire MMA judging community.

450. Sam Hoger – He’s here simply to set up my next joke.

449. Sean McCorkle – Because he’ll always be better than Hoger. Even if it’s just by a little.

353. Marcus Davis – 353 is the Ireland calling code. Of course Davis probably doesn’t know that because he’s not Irish.

350. Brandon Vera – He’s somehow still employed by the UFC despite a 3-5 (1 NC) record since 07 and he’s featured on every single UFC show when they advertise their clothing line. I have no choice but to applaud this man.

311. Tim Sylvia – Sylvia’s ranking changes depending on what he weighs for his most recent fight.

310. Chael Sonnen’s Defense – Whether it be his submission or court defense, it’s just not very good. 310 is also the time in the fifth round when Sonnen tapped at UFC 117.

300. Gus Johnson – Unfortunately Mr. Johnson and CBS have parted way but, you know, sometimes these things happen in MMA.

250. Tito Ortiz – The number of times Tito has been “100% healthy” in his career

249 (Tie) Chuck Liddell / Randy Couture – Even retired, they’ll always be better than Tito.

209. Nate Diaz – Because Diaz representing 209 just makes sense.

180. Bruce Buffer – INTRODUCING FIRST…….

101. Burt Watson – Burt is my favorite UFC personality and deserves some recognition.

100. Shane Carwin – I know the obvious joke to make would be, “he’d be higher but he gassed on his way up” but I’m above that. Instead he’s here because a while ago Carwin created a “Top 10 MMA Journalists” list and left me off (probably because he doesn’t know that I exist). If this list were Teh Ultimateest Fighting Carwinships exclusive, Carwin would be #1.

99. Dan Serven – In honor of his 99 victories.

87. Donald Brashear – I realize that he hasn’t fought yet but based on what he did in the NHL, which is the toughest of the four major sports, I feel that he deserves to be in the top 100.

71. DeMarco Murray – Give the guy credit for attaching himself to the UFC and getting drafted in the third round.

50. Forrest Griffin vs. Stephan Bonnar #1 – The only time you won’t see this fight ranked in the top 5.

42. Nick Diaz – Lets just pretend that there is a “0” after the “42”

31. Ben Henderson – As a fellow Carolina Panthers fan, I sympathize with Mr. Henderson. That’s why I have him ranked one spot ahead of where the Panthers finished last season.

30. Anthony Pettis – Based on nothing but the “Showtime Kick” in the last WEC fight ever with 1 minute left in the WEC Lightweight Title fight.

29. J.R. Smith – Based on nothing but a dunk in the 25th game of the NBA season with one second left in the first quarter.

28. “That Guy” In the Crowd – You know “that guy.” The guy who feels the need to get into a fake fight with his friend when he’s on camera. “That guy” is always undefeated in his own mind.

27. Every Welterweight that Georges St. Pierre has Failed to Finish – You guys need to stick together since you can’t stick to GSP.

26. Dan Henderson’s Chin / Right Hand – Both are made of iron.

25. Dominick Cruz – In order to maintain some credibility with these rankings, I feel that Cruz should at least be in the Top 25.

24. Shinya Aoki – The rainbow warrior of MMA.

23. Travis Lutter – Because he’s the Michael Jordan of Jiu-Jitsu.

22. Kimbo Slice – Every day he’s hustlin’.

21. Urijah Faber – The minimum age you need to be for Faber to consider dating you.

20. Facebook – Thanks to Facebook, we’re all able to watch preliminary fights for free. Note to anyone trying to stalk me: I don’t have an actual Facebook account so don’t bother searching.

19-17. Frankie Edgar – I wanted to give him just one spot but the little guy won’t stop moving.

16. Mike Dolce – Everyone goes to him for dieting and since dieting is a huge part in MMA, Dolce deserves to be in the Top 20.

15. Jon Jones’ Swagger – Even if he jacked it, it’s still the best swagger in the sport.

14. Cain Velasquez – In case you forgot, Mr. Velasquez is Mexican.

13 (Tie) Junior dos Santos / Brock Lesnar – Represents the Ultimate Fighter season they are coaching and the number of people watching this season.

12. Dana White – Right now he’s just “in the mix.”

11. Georges St. Pierre – I wanted to put GSP in the top ten but he couldn’t finish counting down past 11.

10. M-1 Global – Their position is proof that I’m not afraid to co-promote.

9. Jose Aldo – You feel like you runnin’ huh? Now you know how he feel.

8. Wanderlei Silva’s Accent – “Sexy, no?”

7. “All of the Lights” by Kanye West – This walk out song is currently undefeated in MMA and that trend was started by Jason High.

6. Anderson Silva – Where’s your top five ranking now, playboy?

5. Ed Soares – This guy talks to Joe Rogan more than Mike Goldberg, which is usually a sign that you’re winning, DUH!

4. Twitter – It knows how to build fights, it’s gotten plenty of fighters in trouble, and it’s defeated fighters like “King Mo” Lawal and Tito Ortiz.

3. Steven Seagal – He’s 2-0 with two KO’s over former champions. And he’s never stepped foot in the cage.

2. Jesus – Most fighters thank him after they win so he must be doing something right. Plus he never tapped.

1. Brittney Palmer – No one in the sport is as talented as Ms. Palmer. She will always be #1 on my P4P list.

  • Kuch says:

    Epic. Truly epic.

  • Sykotick says:

    Lmao!! Couldn’t finish counting down!!


  • Dufresne says:

    Priceless. Simply priceless.

    I first came to 5oz for some MMA news, but I’ve been stuck here for a few years now due to the community formed by the educated posters and the writers. This is the only place I’ve found where I can get information driven MMA news, well thought out opinion pieces, and articles like this that just seem to exist to make me smile. Bravo fellas (and any ladies hiding behind the internet)!

  • Rece Rock says:

    Your obsession with Brittney Palmer is starting to worry me 😉

  • JOEgun says:

    haha! chael sonnens defense. good one.

    i think that brazilian chic to appear at ufc rio might be just one notch above brittney. imho

  • Jstew3785 says:

    Don Frye’s mustache should be on here somewhere.


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