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Pros and Cons: Spike TV edition

The triumphant return of Pros and Cons is upon us. I’d like to thank Condom Depot for sponsoring this article. You can’t tell from where you’re at but I have a large logo on my behind. Condom Depot: for the man that can’t look a convenience store clerk in the eyes. Or the man who collects fancy foreign condoms like they’re baseball cards.  I wonder if the guy that runs that site actually tells people what he does at cocktail parties.  “Oh me?  I sell condoms on the internet.”

PRO/CON: Brutality. For a terrible card on paper, Fight for the Troops certainly had some brutal finishes. You can almost feel the losing fighters pray that the nearest hospital is more sanitary than Walter Reed. Most of all you have to feel badly for Corey Hill for a fluke injury that happens on rare occasions. Who would have thought sporting the body type of Shaggy from Scooby Doo wasn’t ideal?

CON: Six figure contract. Is this still the same prize as season one? When the company was almost bankrupt and they were unsure about their future? This is the same company where it’s being reported that Couture and Lesnar both got around $2.6 million for their fight and these guys are celebrating a long contract worth $100,000? Don’t get me wrong, it’s better than fighting in a local hotel lobby in front of 35 people but you’d think with years passing they’d bring that prize up just a bit.

PRO: Hughes and Franklin beating on the handicapped. One of the video montages during Fight for the Troops featured former champions Matt Hughes and Rich Franklin visiting amputees and offering to roll with them.  One would expect they’d go light or let them win but what followed was a series of clips showing them submitting people with one arm, no legs or both. Now I expect this out of Matt Hughes but Rich Franklin? For Matt Hughes it was just an average 4pm on the way home from the sweatshop in his Hummer running over puppies.  You know, for Jesus.

CON: Yoshida. I knew this wasn’t going to end well from the very start of the show when Yoshida stated that he knew Koscheck was a “very popular fighter” it became apparent he didn’t watch any tape on him.

CON: Valkyrie. Did anyone else notice that when the voice over talks about Hitler being evil they show what looks to be Hitler burning a bug with a cigarette? Is that really the best way to portray his level of evil? “He burns bugs with cigarettes! MONSTER!” Who came up with the idea to open this film on Christmas? I know on a personal level I’ve always felt the one thing missing between Christmas and New Years was Hitler. They can’t possibly be counting on the Jewish viewing community. Look for the new film about Stalin to open on Easter, I hear the trailer shows him jaywalking.

CON: Anthony Johnson. He threatened to hit Burns in his “double chin” which I believe is called a dimple. For future reference, Rosie O’Donnell has a double chin, Mario Lopez has unforgetable dimples.

PRO: Anthony Johnson. With headkicks like that he can call it whatever he wants.

CON: Quitters that don’t quit. Oscar De La Hoya was just the latest in a trend of combat sport athletes that want to show they have the toughness to hang in there without actually having it. They never want to actually say they’re done but they have that look in their eyes like they want you to know they don’t want to be there. You know De La Hoya had his fingers crossed inside of his gloves. They asked Oscar roughly 80 times if he wanted to quit and he just sat there staring at the ground with an inner monologue that was no doubt cursing his corner for continuously asking.

CON: Commercials. If I see one more Bud Light commercial I’m leaving the house with a weapon and you’ll see me on the news. What was up with the Disney HD commercials early in the show? Multiple times they showed the same commercial featuring Wizards of Waverly Place and Hannah Montana. Was this really the right demographic for that commercial? Are you saying MMA fans are pedophiles? Outside of Jordan Breen that is just absurd.

PRO: Nogueira over Mir. Frank Mir was formerly one of my favorite fighters, namely due to his style and my healthy disdain for Wes Sims. Sometimes as fake as reality television can be it can show you who a real person is and Frank Mir isn’t really someone I want to like any longer. Instead of talking so much he should be coming up with a gameplan to beat Nogueira…. and considering there’s nothing he can do to accomplish that you’d think he’d put all the more time in.

CON: Miguel Torres. He’s a great fighter, I just didn’t appreciate that I was so scared of him after the last WEC show that I spent three days hiding in my bathtub rocking back and forth in the dark. Is it possible someone is more unorthodox and scarier than Nick Diaz? The fact he’s small makes him even scarier; he could be hiding in one of my shoeboxes. I’m going back to the bathroom.

PRO: Photoshoppers. Could someone please photoshop the entire Saunders/Wolff fight and just put a picture of an old woman over the head of Wolff? Perhaps Estelle Getty? That wasn’t a fight, that was a crime.

CON: Technical submission. I will give Al-Hassan all of the credit in the world for fighting that armbar but in the end isn’t that still a submission even if you don’t tap? So you didn’t tap because you didn’t want to get submitted but it still goes down as a submission loss on your record and now you have a messed up arm to go with it? I fail to see how this makes sense.

CON: Wiman’s shorts grab. How did he not lose a point for that? Or two? Or get disqualified? How on Earth does that end with no punishment whatsoever? Luckily karma kicked in and just let Wiman get beaten for several more minutes. Wiman should have kept pushing the envelope to see what he could get away with. I’m surprised he didn’t bite him, shiv him and blow a pro wrestling fireball at his face.

CON: The Heisman Trophy. I’m a massive college football fan and it pains me that this award keeps getting more and more meaningless. This week I was doing a trivia test and I had to name all the Heisman winners I could since 1980 (I got an impressive 27/29). In doing so I noticed 8 of the last 9 winners have been quarterbacks. Not even that but the voters are so lazy they don’t even care to put any thought into it any longer. There is no reason Philip Rivers shouldn’t have won it a few years ago, same for Larry Johnson. But they don’t want to look at how good the player is or how they perform in their biggest games. I suppose if I had a deadline it would be easier just to pick the white quarterback of the #1 team. Who would have thought Rashaan Salaam won it back when it had credibility?

23 COMMENTS
  • Jim says:

    Why the rip on breen?

  • Michael says:

    glad to see the pro/con back in action. and larry johnson got robbed! PSU! PSU!

  • tomk says:

    I agree that this season of TUF didn’t exactly make me like Mir more. I don’t know what exactly it was, but just the way he carried himself and talked about other people made him seem less likeable to me. Though I’m sure his feelings will be hurt once he hears that I feel that way.

  • Jarrod says:

    Valkyrie is opening up on Christmas because Jews do not celebrate Christmas and traditionally (at least in Philly) Go out to eat at Chinese restaraunts and go to a movie. I think it is safe to assume that anything that demonizes Nazi Germany is a sure thing on that day. Merely my assessment for why they would open on Christmas, I dont know anything.

  • ctownhood says:

    Dude..you’re know you’re a player when you have to bulk order condoms on the Internet

    A few tidbits:

    1. I agree, Mir is a douchebag
    2. Miguel Torres is a cyborg..I am convinced.
    3. You know Hughes choked one of those guys unconscious too..II just know it

  • Jason G says:

    When I watched Cantwell-Al-Hassan I couldn’t help but think that Al-Hassan doesn’t know how to grapple. He gave up every position within seconds and wouldn’t tap to the arm bar. Maybe he thought this was K-1 and was like wtf when it went elsewhere.

    Hell I kinda wanna go see Valkyrie on Christmas and if I can find a couple hours to sneak away from family I might do it.

  • Michael says:

    just to add my quick two cents on the movie thing: i am jewish (and also from philly ironically enough) and have no desire to see valkryie. not because of any religious reasons, just because it looks like a trite, lousy film.

  • I hear at the climax of the film Tom Cruise removes Hitler’s thetans.

  • CMT says:

    Colt McCoy was ROBBED!!! 45-35!!!
    Go Florida

  • Razz says:

    Nobody bags on Breen!

  • matthew says:

    “For Matt Hughes it was just an average 4pm on the way home from the sweatshop in his Hummer running over puppies. You know, for Jesus.”

    You should win awards for this line alone.

  • Goomba says:

    Awesome article. I enjoyed these before, and this was even better than I remember. I was hoping you would bring it back.

  • rockthomas says:

    Dude, I have met Mir and he was one of the nicest guys I have met in MMA, and I hve met a lot. Why the hate??

  • “Nobody bags on Breen!”

    Oh it was a joke. If he took offense to such things I wouldn’t be able to post this because I would have already been killed by a gang of 74-pound Indonesian fighters.

  • Tattool says:

    “For Matt Hughes it was just an average 4pm on the way home from the sweatshop in his Hummer running over puppies. You know, for Jesus.”

    With this line, Huckaby wins the internets.

  • Jeff L says:

    Man, I missed these. Truiumphant return!! Now don’t hold out so long till the next one, Huck, or I guarantee you a world class beating from Torres, who totally isn’t in your glovebox…….OR IS HE?

    Second the Mir thing too, long time fan and this season really soured me. Certainly didn’t help he was cast against the classiest and most likable fighter ever in Nog.

  • AbsolutMSU says:

    Pros/Cons is my favorite feature on this site – keep them coming.

  • Cathedron says:

    Awesome stuff, Huck. I love the Matt Hughes jab. Hughes is such a dick that Condom Depot has to send 20% of their profits to him every month.

    On Wiman’s attempt to de-pants his opponent: I’m sure he was just trying to get the fight restarted on the feet. I think the ref was thinking it would be a bigger punishment to let the fight continue. Still, I would have deducted the point without stopping the action.

  • Mike Wolfe says:

    Huckaby–

    The climax of a Tom Cruise movie? First, that’s an oxymoron. Second, it’s disturbing to see that line in the context of a movie in which Cruise prances about in a Nazi uniform. Leather paddles, anyone?

    And with regard to Condom Depot, I think they’re missing an obvious stroke of marketing genius. Why not a line of very snug beanies for their fans and fighters? They could all be walking metaphors for the product. Very apt, in many cases.

    Very funny read. Well done.

  • Nick says:

    well done good sir, some truly funny stuff….

    agreed on mir and hughes…..well torres too…..oh hell, agreed on everything.

  • darkmetal says:

    Michael, I tend to disagree with you on the issue of the prize on TUF being a “6 figure contract” being too low. Of course, it could mean they are getting $100,000, which isn’t bad if they lose all their fights in a years time, you would agree…true? But it could also mean as much as $999,999 (although I would agree that is unlikely) and could include 20k or so “fight of the night” bonuses which could drive that amount even higher. Add in endorsements, say from “Condom Depot” (ugh) and you drive their pay even higher.

    Basically, we are talking about the winner of TUF doing much better than the average MMA fighter, and they are given something even greater–a big chance to become a UFC “Star” and that I would say, is priceless.

    I also disagree with you on the issue of Franklin and Hughes rolling with the troops as something being odd. What you are dealing with is great men who lost their limbs and now feel they are somehow “less” than they once were. Being on the mat with 2 former UFC champions, and actually doing quite well, proves that their lives are not quite as limited as they might have thought. Personally I see this as “Pro” to Franklin and Hughes for treating these guys as men rather than cripples.

    On the Al-Hassan failure to tap, I totally agree. If they have you and you can’t escape, then tap. There is no dishonor in avoiding an injury. However, the true CON should go to they guy who broke his arm, who then went on and gleefully told Joe Rogan how he thought it was great to hear the “Pop” of practically ripping his opponent’s arm off.

  • Jay K. says:

    This is some of the best writing I’ve seen in a long time, anywhere!

    Thanks for Teh Funneh!

    Jay K.

  • darkmetal says:

    Oh I forgot to comment on Valkyrie:

    Who knew that Hitler’s greatest foe was a Hollywood metrosexual with a penchant for Scientology? Or that he was half a head shorter than Hitler?

    Somehow call me uninspired as I have not found Cruise’ manly-man act (and it is an act) believable since he cozied up with Rosie O’Donell or jumped like a giddy schoolgirl on Oprah’s couch.

    Where have the men in Hollywood gone? Oh yeah, Arnold became the new faux Republican Gov. who is overseeing the death of California, and John Wayne is long dead….

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