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Tim Kennedy: Letters from a foreign land Part 2

Editors note: This letter is from Tim Kennedy, Army Ranger and former IFL fighter who is currently deployed abroad with his unit. He wanted to send his best wishes from…well, I can’t tell you, so we are using FOREIGN LAND. We at Fiveouncesofpain.com would like to thank Tim for his service, and our friends at RangerUp for making this feature possible. Try to pass this on to your friends. and we encourage you to send Tim well wishes at [email protected]!

A Note from Tim: I communicate almost exclusively using verbal sarcasm. So using this medium of communication (writing) is rather challenging. Please be forgiving.

Today, as I was sitting around looking at the other men in my unit, I commented that we led really privileged lives. Other suckers have to pay thousands of dollars to tour different exotic countries and experience unique cultures, whereas I get PAID (while not very much) to do the same thing. Granted, I’m sure that when you pay for the trip, instead of cruising on Uncle Sam’s dollar, you don’t get shot at, blown up, or not get to bathe for weeks at a time, but it still seems like a pretty sweet deal.

I realize that many of you don’t come from a military background, so from time to time I will try to explain a few things that will help you understand my ramblings.

Here goes:

I live on a FOB. FOBs or Forward Operating Bases are bases located forward (Tim, did anyone ever tell you not to use the words you are trying to define in the definition? Screw you, Tim! Am I arguing with myself again?) into unfriendly terrain with the purpose of securing ground and providing support to the locals. In actuality, FOBs are targets located in hostile territory surrounded by people that are not sympathetic to your cause. To add to that fun, resources tend to be extremely limited, making mission accomplishment very challenging – but hey, that’s what I signed up for – if it was easy, they’d call it mortgage derivatives trading, right? I mean – who could screw that up?

Now that you understand that I live miles away from anything useful surrounded by people that generally don’t like me despite my sunny disposition, you will appreciate the fact that training for my next fight with ORGANIZATION when I get back can prove rather challenging.

Tim Kennedy sporting his "Ranger Panties"

Tim Kennedy sporting his "Ranger Panties"

Anyone that has ever met me knows I am somewhat energetic, but I’m a freak when it come to physical conditioning. Not working out two to three times a day drives me absolutely insane. In case you missed it when I whined about this previously, we have somewhat limited supplies at my current home away from home (have no fear this will not dissuade me). (I love parenthesis) “and quotation marks”.

Anyhow…Like I was saying…THIS WILL NOT DISSUADE ME! Anyone can do pushups or go for a run. Many may even find some graspable object located 5-8 feet off the ground for pull ups, but when you know your opponent is in some Dolph Lundgren-like altitude chamber using $300k worth of gym equipment while eating the best food money can buy, you realize you have to do your best to make things a little more fun, if not more imaginative. So I work with what I’ve got.

In the Army there are always certain things in abundance: Crap, lots of crap especially in a combat area – scrap metal, car chassis, goats, etc.. We basically blow things up, or get things blown up around us, leaving me with plenty of material to work with. My typical approaches are as follows:

1. Find some Crap.

2. Try to jump on top of it. If you can, then see how many times you can do it without smashing your legs against “it”. This is tricky. Box jumping is a science and an art. You have to know your ability, and more importantly, how to gauge your ability. I use landmarks on my own body. At first I was jumping things waist high. Then I would move up one rib at a time. I’m sure you can imagine the locals seeing this crazy white guy walk up to some inanimate object, and then jump on top of it and then walk up to something a little taller and try it again. And then the inevitable occurs – I eat it, bust my shins, and fall on my face… Not to worry, though – repeating this chain of events has enabled me to now jump things at nipple height! Isn’t that exciting?!?!? I also have bruises up and down my legs which I think of as a bonus.

3. Throw it. I love finding all these things that once served a useful purpose and seeing how far I can throw them…and then running to it, picking it up, turning around and throwing it again. I do this until the thing I’m trying to throw ends up trying to throw me. The heavier, and more awkward the object is, the better. I look at this as yet another opportunity to impress the local audience, who for some reason are always watching (at some distance now) with a certain mild trepidation. They’re not sure what is going on, or the reason for me yelling every time I chuck a transmission. All they know is something strange is going on and they don’t want to miss it.

4. And lastly – my favorite: Slamming! While it’s fun to pick heavy things up, it’s even more fun to throw them down. I mean straight down. Tires, ammo cans, water bottles – you name it and I bet you I can slam the living daylight out of it. It all sounds simple enough. Find something heavy, pick it up, slam, and repeat. In truth, however, a lot more goes in to it. First of all you have to make sure that you don’t slam yourself, which just hurts. Second, you need to ensure that the thing that you are slamming will not in some way be able to attack you after you slam it(you would be surprised at how vicious a tire is if slammed incorrectly). Finally, you have to take the audience into consideration (their fear is palpable during the slamming process). Even though they are now standing even further away the last thing you need is a dead local from a armored truck tire that went awry.

If any of you find yourself in INSERT MIDDLE EASTERN COUNTRY HERE, please feel free to use my regime.
Well, that’s it for now. As always, thanks for your support.

— Tim “TKO” Kennedy

11 COMMENTS
  • damon says:

    Thanks for everything you and all service men and women do for this great nation!!! Keep your head down and God Speed!!!

  • Patrick says:

    Always entertaining for sure. Good luck out there.

  • Imbecile says:

    This is such an awesome feature! The first two blogs have been great!

    Thanks for writing this Tim, and thanks for your service.

    Also, check out Tim Kennedy’s sponsor at Rangerup.com. They are the best MMA/military related clothing company around, and I think they also sponsor this site. Some good people there, and some great shirts.

  • Cooped says:

    Tim,

    I think what you are showing us is 1) are are turning into Mayhem, and 2) Cuban needs to get HDNet to INSERT FOREIGN COUNTRY HERE, so that “everyone’ will know who you are and will leave you alone.

    Have you tried to slam one of those mystical camel spiders yet?

  • Mike says:

    Try not to laugh while reading this. If that doesn’t work try not to re-read it.

    Tim your awsome, I cann’t await your next slam back home. That Cuban HD Net / Mayhem thing is a great idea. Someone call Mark.

    Take care of yourself while you allow all of us to sit back, read e-mails, and enjoy our freedom that you and so many other soldiers secure.

    Thanks

  • Ken says:

    Good thing I was in the Air Force… that roughing it in the desert sounds TOUGH… Thank you and all your brothers for the service you provide…

    Rangers lead the way!!!

  • A. Michael Craig says:

    TKO,
    How comforting to know you’ve grown into the freak, uh I mean man, we’d always hoped you’d be. A grand approach to “fix” America’s reputation around the world would be to model our ambassadors and embassys after FOBs with similar minded men AND women as yourself all running around wild in their panties. It would scream, “WELCOME! Can’t we all just get along!!??” Where do I sign up? LOVE YOU TKO, LOVE YOU

  • Eric Delph says:

    Tim, quit screwin’ around. It’s time to eat!!

  • skwirrl says:

    Hurry home Tim – ZUFFA or Affliction is waiting

  • Jason Wilkinson says:

    Tim…very nice to hear your well and keeping yourself entertained’ and very easily at that! sounds just like the Tim i used to know and look forward to seeing when you return home safely from B.F.E.! WOW you are amazing and by far THE MOST DANGEROUS MAN i know of or have met in my entire 29 years of existence, and with no comparisons at that. I love reading and lok forward to continue reading about your dangerous exploits (well not for you anyways) but for the other 99% of of us yeah and always look forward to hearing these funny i mean cracking up funny storiesfrom anybody i see or meet who has had the priveledging experience of meeting you and “The Tim Kennedy Experience” never failing to impress or WoW any crowd you come upon! I cant imagine what those poor people watching from afar when your “just havin some fun” are thinking and or what is goin through their minds when they see you! well its always a pleasure to hear from you and i look forward to more! when i got your request this morning i was eating breakfast at louisas and to say the least i felt humbled! as always glad to have you as a friend, and hey one of these days when you get back maybe we can do a lil bit of training together and by that i mean you turn me beat me or have me any way you please…its all in good fun though! stay STRONG brother as i know you will, much love from SLO and all fifty here at home! your missed….Jason

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